At first, I was hesitant about adoption, even knowing it would be the best choice for baby. It was a very big surprise when those two lines showed up for us, and, quite honestly, it scared us. We already have multiple children together, and, although we would love another, it wasn't nor isn't the best timing due to so much going on mental health-wise for two of our children. We all have our everyday stresses, but we didn't feel right keeping the baby knowing just how much we have going on. Abortion was out of the question even with my own health being at risk, so adoption seemed perfect. It's a true gift to a waiting family, and I felt it was worth going through so our unborn child could have a well-deserved, loved life, even with us already loving her.
So, while the husband was at work, I did my research an adoption agency that was right for me. The agency was kind to us as birthparents. There's was no judgement, no overwhelming feelings or pressure. They had been kind to us and has befriended us in very unexpected ways, and it has made everything that much more special.
At first, after requesting further information on families waiting to adopt, I was hesitant to even open the package. I just sat on my bed staring at it like it was the end of my life. I cried, and then I cried some more. A day or so later, I told my husband the information requested was here and had him help me open it since I was hesitant on doing it alone. I didn't feel I was going to make a connection with any of the families because, well, already being a mother, I thought I'd feel like no mother but myself was good enough for my child. But I got my head together and went through every single family with him as a team. We had our favorites. We found the perfect match. Doing it together helped so much more than some would think considering we both conceived baby.
After narrowing things down to our family we wished to contact, the agency made contact and communication even easier, and it also become easier to smile getting to know the chosen family. We became more comfortable than expected due to this wonderful woman's agency and kindness from her. The way things are ran is perfect. The communication and trust-building is perfect. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about any of it. There's so much respect and love bonded with our company. I have no clue how it could be more perfect. The information given on the families was very descriptive, the pictures provided for all of them were absolutely beautiful, everything was amazing. Everything provided gave me hope for every single family waiting on their little bundle. Then we see our chosen family, and it was an instant click. Just through words and pictures! I didn't think it was possible....but it felt...right. It felt like these women were already calling to us and they didn't even know it yet.
So, we had to talk to them, and once that started we knew it was the perfect match. The pull intensified tenfold. Once things kicked off, they were also more helpful than we could have ever thought possible. Emotional scars faded, feeling like a failure faded. Having the communication throughout the pregnancy made me feel more as a surrogate for these women, and it was the best feeling ever. I knew they were meant to be mommies, and I was and still am grateful I got to help them. Just as I'm grateful for our choice of adoption.
Having a semi-open adoption couldn't be better. Not only do I get to see baby girl grow and succeed in life, but I also get to see these wonderful women grow with her as a family. That alone keeps my heart smiling. It also makes getting through the afterbirth emotions much easier. I had these ladies with me for every labor scare, some doctor's appointments, including ultrasounds, anything I could involve them in. It emotionally helped me form a stronger bond with them and made everything continue being easier. They stayed at my side during delivery for every push and scream as well, encouraging me not to give up on pushing that little booger out. They stayed in the hospital with me bonding with her and making sure I was ok.
Now, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have tears holding the baby or watching them with her. I cried the couple times they left and I was alone with the daughter I had just birthed. Holding her was magic, because she was special. She gets to make a family happy for the rest of her life. I didn't cry having regrets or feelings of wanting to back out to take her home. I cried happily knowing what kind of beauty was in the process of unfolding due to her existence. Every push...every scream and discomfort bringing her into this world for them...it was worth it.
I look forward to watching them all in the future, hopefully spending some summer time together, maybe even get to travel if it wouldn't be a problem. She has a beautiful future to look forward to, just as we do.
So, birthparents, if you're reading this, please know what you are doing or considering really is beautiful. We are not failures. We are not weak or unable to give what's needed. What we have done or are doing is the best, most perfect gift that can be given to someone. Whether you already have kids of your own, or you're pregnant with your first, do not feel ashamed if you feel adoption is the best option for your unborn babe. Sometimes we just know what can and cannot be handled, so we do what is felt to be necessary for our child or children to be able to live life to the fullest. Do not look down on yourself for even researching adoption. We are rock stars. We are superheroes for those who cannot do this on their own. We are the smiles upon adoptive families faces. That's what makes all of this so special. Don't have fear to form a bond with the family, they will be there for you. And never ever be scared to cry, whether it's happy tears or not. You are loved beyond words.
* Birthmother has chosen to remain anonymous.